MyFitnessPal was not my Friend: Struggles with the Scale

"My words of encouragement for teen girls suffering with eating disorders, self-harm, anything... is to get help. It's the most important thing you can do for yourself, and it can change your life and potentially save your life." Demi Lovato

February 4, 2022 // 9:34 am

The time I realized that I was bigger than all the girls around me was when I noticed a consistency with a few Disney shows I watched growing up. The ones that still stick out to me 12 years later are Good Luck Charlie and Austin and Ally. They are Disney Channel shows, so what I am about to say can’t be that bad right? Wrong. At age 10, I realized that both of these shows had a skinny, tall, and beautiful main character, and then casted a girl who weighed more than the main character as her funny little sidekick. Maybe, I am thinking too deep into this, but I have always wondered what Disney’s intention was with this casting strategy.

Did they want their audience to think you can only be a main character if you're skinny?

Do bigger girls only have the space to be the sidekick?

Again, I am not blaming Disney Channel for this, yet I blame society for making my mind start turning in such a toxic way at such a young age. At age 10, this is when my weight started to be something that was constantly on my mind. Here’s a timeline from when I was 10 years old to now, a 20 year old.

4th grade: Weighing in at 117 pounds

Man, do I sound crazy remembering the exact number I weighed when I was in 4th grade. Yet, this number is hard to forget when it is the first number on the scale that people reacted to. I remember people around me, both kids my age and adults who knew better, commenting on how surprising that I already had 3 digits on the scale at only 10 years old. I was so confused why that was a big deal until more numbers started coming up in conversation. Numbers such as 92, 88, 70, weights of other 10 year old girls in my class.

What was wrong with me?

I played sports, why was I so much bigger?

Why is everyone commenting on my weight, but no one else’s?

For reference, those are all thoughts that were racing in a 10 year old’s brain.

7th grade-9th grade: Testing overweight based on my BMI index in P.E.

At my junior high and high school, every semester we would do Physical Education testing required by the state at least once. This test included the pacer, sit-ups, push-ups, and the BMI. Every semester, I would get so anxious for this day, because I knew this would be just another moment that my weight and physical capability would be in the spotlight. I just didn’t know this spotlight was going to be my P.E. teacher said, “Wow Emma, you’re overweight.”

Still I continued to play three different sports in junior high school, as well as cut snacks out of my lunch diet.

11th grade: My coach begins to notice me

When I was in 11th grade, I began to take fitness a little more seriously. I was working at the daycare at the gym in my hometown, and with that job came a free membership, so why not take advantage of it. At this time I was in my 3rd year of being on the varsity tennis team, the cheer team, dance team, and now to add to that, going to the gym after all of that. After a few months, I really started to see progress. For once in my life, I was proud of the girl in the reflection.

I wasn’t the only one who saw these changes.

Family members would see me in person, and say I look great.

My coach would say she was proud of me because I lost weight.

Boys at my school began to say I was hot.

12th grade: (TW) Eating disorder

Going into senior year, I was obsessed with the idea that people were paying attention to me and saying I was attractive because I weighed less. I was still doing well on the dance team and tennis team, but got a little too into fitness. I had my first workout in the morning which was my dance class, second workout in the afternoon for tennis, and then my third workout at night at the gym.

Although fitness is very healthy, and it is great to keep your body moving, this kind of intense physicality requires your body to be eating a healthy amount. Since I was working out so much, I felt it was pointless to eat unhealthy foods so I made the worst decision I could have made at that moment which was downloading the app, MyFitnessPal.

If you are unfamiliar with this app, it is a free app that allows you to input what foods you eat during the day and how many calories you burned that day to make it easier for the user to track how many calories to eat during the day. For as long as I remember, I have always been competitive with everything that I do, so the calorie count was no different.

Each day, I tried to get a lower number of calories, until I was able to shrink my stomach enough to eat the perfect amount of calories for how much I am working out. Yet, once I got to that number, I just kept going lower. Unfortunately, it got to the point that I would look at the app at the end of day after completing an hour and a half workout at the gym, (after completing my other two of the day) and see that I had only eaten 500 calories that day. The worst part was that I was proud of that number on the app and I was proud of the number on the scale.

Weight loss doesn’t always make you healthier and happier

It wasn’t until a few months into college where I was starting to recover from this unhealthy habit that I realized I was not any happier with myself with less weight. I would look in the mirror and see my abs, toned legs, and strong butt that I told myself, I am still disappointed. Not only was I still unhappy, but I destroyed my physical health. Now 3 years into college, and figuring out who I am, and how to maintain a healthy fitness and food relationship, I am going to tell you the advice I wish my 10-17 year old self knew.

The number on the scale does not define your worth.

I know it is cliche, but repeat it over and over until you believe it, write it on your mirror, set it as your alarm, and THROW OUT THAT DAMN SCALE.

Anything to keep yourself happy.

Signed Ems